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Friday, April 15, 2011
It's been a long time since I've blogged.
A lot have changed since 'this blog', the guy in the pics is no longer part of my life... I've dated a few rotten eggs here and there to get to where I am today.
Many of the links no longer work, my friends have all abandoned their blogs as there're many other social media alternatives;Twitter/livejournal and of course... Facebook.
Given that so much has changed, I've decided that it is harmless to continue blogging here as this blog was a really good medium for me to vent and sulk during difficult times. It helps me sort out my thoughts and at times narrate the entire situation in a third party's POV.
Anyway... recently... I can't help but to take pity on this gal.
Although once in a while I've to admit that I do quote her and make jokes out of it... I do feel sorry for her. No matter what, we are all women.
A coin has 2 sides... I have to admit that her posts did cause me to think through the entire situation and I have to take a step back and try to piece both stories together.
BUT is it that important to figure out the truth? I guess to me I really want to know why. That's why I do read and.... In a way I care.
It takes 2 hands to clap. Did he really reflect clearly his intentions through his actions and words? Was he consistent about it or he was also half-hearted and going along with it (which will really affect me as to me that's toying with her emotions and creating fictitious expectations and hopes).
I have so many questions. Why is she so broken? Did she receive mixed signals? How is she doing now? Does she really have good friends to get her through this? Did she see a shrink?(some of her posts are really disturbing)
I guess I really do care as this guy is now with me. As I've mentioned above... I've dated rotten eggs before. Not only does it stink, it leaves a permanent stain with a slight stench that serves as a reminder to not date any guy who portrays anything similar to each and every one of these rotten eggs.
With this always lingering in the back of my head, it's really difficult to trust and have faith.
I'm sorry but I do have doubts.
You asked me once, 'If you keep protecting yourself, who will protect me? I've been nothing but truthful to you.'
The thing is, if you've walked my footsteps of heartbreaks, I think you'll end up like me as well. They say, 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' BUT how strong can one get after enduring so many failures in life? I'm tired. I'm close to giving up. I'll like to reserve that remaining bit of faith in humanity for the remaining journey of my life.
Well, to sum it up. I fear you. I fear how close you're getting. Is this all an act? Are you for real? If that can happen with her, just because she changed. The question is 'What if I change to someone worse than her?' Will you also chuck me aside? How patient will you be with me? (not that I want to test the limit but is there a way to gauge?)
I think she's a sweet gal. Why did she turn out this way? Did you not love her enough to see her through difficult times? Here's another saying ,'If you can't handle me when I'm at my worst, you sure do not deserve me when I'm at my best.'
So.... What is it? Are you faithful? Are you who you claim to be?
Time will tell... Time is something I don't have patience for. I really want to know the answers and I don't know if you'll know what my concerns truly are.
chrizy spoke at 3:17 AM
Monday, December 07, 2009
what's wrong with this world? yes, it is ugly but y am i surrounded with ppl with grey principles?
what i did was to stand up for my own principles and because of that "the group" outcasts me.
and can i just point out that i was being questioned and hence i could only tell the truth. even by saying i dunno is a lie. weren't we brought up learning good things like to not lie and to be a good person?
do u see mickey having 2 gfs and on top of that flirting with every available cb when he's out? if these are all right then alot of materials that we watch on tv will be like this! but the truth is tv will also teach us moral values.
i hate "the group", they make me miserable esp the bastard. bloody idiots, who are they to question me? he should know better before he commit all those sins and expects "the group" to safeguard his sins. i dun even regard him as a friend. i dun even deem him fit to be a human.
just because the ppl in :the group" safekeeps his secrets doesn't mean that i'll bend mine to fit in.
then i should just stay away from them all.
i believe in karma. i stand up for my beliefs as i do not want the same happening to me. and it is not as if i broadcast it to the world. during the time where i witness all his doings, i was disgusted with myself and will honestly prefer to not have him around. we are friends by association. like the saying, birds of the feather flock together. i feel utterly disgraced having him around me.
and i hate it that he indirectly caused me to have major trust issues. i've lost all faith in men and now to "the group", i'm the bad guy.
i hate you all.
chrizy spoke at 5:55 PM
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Note to self:
never let myself dwell in a situation whereby i am not happy.
funny how things can change so drastically in such a short period of time. I seem to be more and more occupied with work than anything else. the best part is, work is not treating me well.
growing up is a painful experience as you'll start to lose things that you once enjoy.
i lost contact with most of my friends, i lost a lot of personal time, i lost the motivation in life as it feels as though as we end up as slaves for the respective companies that we work for. but most imptly, i lost myself in this process.
i'm on my block leave now and i'm determined to enjoy this short period of time. but it seems like the more i try, the more i'm lying to myself.
my friends gotta work, they have their own commitments now.
Just today, i was thinking about 4 men. Who our path have crossed one another or are currently still in my life.
Man1 is getting married. I'm truly happy for him but i cant help to think that ain't we kinda young? but knowing him, i know that things will work out for them. Happy belated bday and congratulations. I wish you a happy marriage.
Man2 is still pursuing his studies. He's facing some setbacks now but i'm sure him being him, he'll be able to cope with everything. but no matter what, i will try my best as a best friend to be there.
Man3......... now this is a tricky one. i always describe him as someone as a hot and cold guy. one min he can be so sweet towards you, you'll wondering 'what the hell am i thinking? why am i not with this guy?', and the other he'll be such a complete asshole that you'll think 'thank god i'm not sharing the roof with this guy' But deep inside, he's a nice guy. he just love to point out to others that they have issues and he seems to have an ans for everything. I hope that all his ideas will work out and that he'll one day find a nice girl for himself.
Man4 will have to be the one i'm seeing all the time. He's generally a nice guy but he dun really know how to love another. his perspective of loving is to provide and to be compromising. but love is not just that, its also to shower care and concern and to dote on the other. but this man comes with a +1. A +1 that i find annoying and irritating. but the thing is, this +1 is an impt someone to man4. he grew up with him and associated by blood. the +1 is a guy who is a girl within. Only if i can tell him that straight in his face, it'll definitely make my day.
I'm suppose to go swimming today but as i dun really like going out alone, i thought of asking man3 along. but i dropped that idea as soon as i rem how temperamental he is. and i'm suppose to renew my passport and i will like the idea of going for a facial. but then i rather stay home and self entertain myself with facebook.
if only man4 is half as sweet as man3. if only man4 is as fun as man1. man4 is somewhat like man2. and sometimes it makes me wonder if all along i'm just finding someone as close to man2 as possible. truth to be is that if man2 and i were still tgt, he'll be the one i'll settle with.
but sometimes fate likes to play a joke on ppl.
the more i move on, the harder it is for me to open up and love. i'm starting to think that fairytales are not true. you might laugh at me but it is harmless to believe in ever lasting love. who wont want such a beautiful tale happening to them?
someone just recently told me, someone whom i respect a lot. you can like many in your life but only on that you'll truly love. it is not easy to find someone whom you love and also love you in return. most of the time, its one-sided anf the other party just settles with it.
i think i should listen to more eng songs. their love songs are more romantic and postitive unlike chi songs.
chrizy spoke at 2:56 PM
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
it is the little imperfections that makes one perfect...
bullshit.
no matter how i try to be optimistic about life... life is still nothing but a game. only the fittest survive. the world is a beautiful place but it is us men who made it ugly. so many ugly ppl roaming the streets. it just boils down to one theory that i always believe in.
one can be a devil to many but an angle to one, one can be an angel to many but a devil to one. ppl out there (ppl including me) should stop thinking that they are special enough to do wonders, you are nothing until one deems that you are. but yet again that spot can be easily replaced as men are all practical and fickle creatures.
when you think that you see an angel, think again. it is only what you want to see. Simply, life is only perfect when you percieve it to be.
chrizy spoke at 12:25 AM
Monday, February 23, 2009
i am moving on.... because u will never make exceptions for me. because it is always about work. because u are living in reality and apparently at times i rather dream. because u are nice but never nice enough and because of that i am unwilling to return the favour. because u have some practices that i do not
comprehend. because u are that hard to understand. because u are not consistent in the way u treat me. because i might need too much. because i usually do want things my way. because i like exceptions. because it is not all about work to me. because i like to be treated like a princess and i dun get enough of that. because i just like ppl to talk to me nicely. because i have expectations from you. and i had enough of waiting for things to come true. i had enough of ur hot and cold treatment. i had enough of u ranting about work. i had enough of u talking to me with that tone. i had enough of u telling me that nothing is enough to please me. i had enough of u making me think that i am asking for too much. i had enough of you being you. i can never forget what happened on new year. i can never forgive one who is able to leave me alone that way. i will never forget how fierce and cold u talked to me. maybe it is just not meant to be. i am sure that u did ur best. but i am just sorry that ur best is not good enough for me. so...goodbye.
chrizy spoke at 12:13 AM
Friday, January 09, 2009
*blow blow*
my blog got spiders and cobwebs le....my last post was how long? lol.... been really busy....
actually not really la...just too lazy to do alot of things...and the things-to-do just piles up... JUST LIKE THE STACK OF CLOTHES IN MY CLOSET, FLOOR AND ON THE CHAIR!
cny nearing le... so fast...23! EEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......................
they say that time flies when u start working...actually i beg to differ. i think i can count the mins everyday.. which is BAD BAD news... i am suppose to be tied up with bringing cust in or building networks. i am still trying to adapt to the permanent changes in my life. like waking up early. cannot pon work. cannot take mc whenever and must stay healthy coz sick also must work.
the outcome of my paycheque is in my own LAZY hands....its tough... the starting point is always like that i guess... must thank the ppl who are helping me out along the way... been so long since i read LXY blog. think i will love to spend a whole afternoon with her someday.
si bei xianz ar! think i am ageing well... very soon...i will look like i am 30plus. thinking of going back to sch.... sigh... those were the good OLD days... GOOD GOOOd gooodd....... days....
i am suppose to be in bed now... there are a lot on my mind now.... i really need to start exercising. i need to get back in shape. put more effort in myself. y am i like this now? i am a lot less cheerful. unless i meet up with ppl i know during my life as a student. i really wish to break away. that sounds weak. maybe i really am. SIGH! my life have changed drastically in year 2008. things fall apart. pieces put back tgt and shattering again. new start yet challenging. life cannot be anymore complex. but this is just the beginning. fyi, i officially own a bible now. trying to figure out the context. have to go to church more often. my sundays are mostly wasted slping. and the facebook pics... the guys are either gay or my clubbing buddies. i hate my life now. i wont even like myself now. i am officially a piece of shit. its hard picking myself up and in the mean time trying to excel at work. argh! maybe slping will help me think better. tmr will be a better day! (WHO AM I KIDDING) maybe...just maybe...it will be.
i wonder if u ever will read this. but if u do. then maybe u do really care afterall.
i know wad LXY meant when she says that working life is boring. although i meet new ppl everyday... trust me...working life IS boring. have to learn to love this job. it was my choice. but i must say... the group i met at 0810 training is really a great bunch of ppl. i nv thought that it will ever be possible in a training/working environment.
friends really do come and go. some are just a little distant. but i hope that u will always be my best bud.
chrizy spoke at 2:40 AM
Monday, October 13, 2008
i converted to a part-time student so that i could do something else other than studying... but it turns out that training at stan chart... is far worse than being just a student. there is external and internal papers to take. the only perk is that i have awesome classmates!
feeling exceptionally down today... how is wish that life was like before. before i know u.
i miss the past. i miss the old u.
most of all. i miss the good old times.
chrizy spoke at 10:41 PM
